Thermodynamic, nuclear fusion

life often seems so god damn confusing

Follow the stream that leads to the meadow

look up toward the sky the world seems so yellow

Illusions of blue got me in trouble

look down toward my feet

I'm stuck in marshmallow

It's all for you, I breath from this tube

searching in the dark for an exit sign

 I'll be home soon!

White lights lead to the whole of my fears

where mountains crumble and flying fish appear

Lying on the beach

a sand crab tickles my feet

spectators gather for miles

 as they try to push me out to sea

Thirsty as the whale I am, I dare not take a drink

Back at the bar they saved me a seat

One last blow

thrust off into the air

explosions in the sky

I've finally arrived

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On a personal level do we ever recognize the great things we accomplish in our lives?  Are these triumphs only recognized by those that surround us and remain silent?  Those who randomly  surround us, or is it truly random at all.

Will we ever recognize if we stray from our life's objective, simply because we have no objective at all?

Is everything an equation with one solution or are there multiple scenarios and answers at play?

Is the mind at sleep, just for a second causing us to miscalculate the meaning of it all?

What purpose does it serve if not meant for self gratification?

Are we to believe that we are all purists serving some higher purpose? 

What if the dreams we ignore are real life and the awakening state is really the stuff meant for the discard pile?

Even if someone else told you the answer, no one would believe it until there was scientific conclusive evidence.  It's in our nature to be skeptical.

Some things require no evidence like God and Santa.  Are they really so far apart in kind?

I want to find all the answers before I expire.  I don't know why it matters.  I suppose it's a game to kill the time. 

Application is a quality that I lack.  The problem with application is i like to apply it one way and society would like it applied another way.  That's what I call application error.

Not much to believe in these days.  Except for maybe true love. 

Just like the groundhog I didn't see my shadow.  So, that means only 3 weeks more of disillusionment for me.  Just like the groundhog I didn't realize that there were people watching me, making observations, studying me closely,  making predictions based on my behavior.  I also didn't realize the significance my life had on others. Sometimes it's hard to realize your role in the grand scheme of things.

Yes, I've been a HOG. A rather selfish one.  At times I want to be the sociable groundhog, the life of the party and at other times I want to crawl back into my burrow and hibernate.  What can I say?  There are many sides to the groundhog.  The bigger question is whether my allegiance is toward Punxsutawney Phil of the North or General Beauregard Lee right here in the South.  It's a real civil strife that I'm suffering through.

I refer to this internal struggle by its clinical name Distant Mountain Syndrome (DMS). I discovered DMS in the mountains of Pennsylvania.  I know what you are thinking -mountains in Pennsylvania?  Well being from Jersey there are definitely mountains as you cross the Delaware Water Gap.

My DMS theory goes like this. Under the influence of DMS the groundhog might find himself perched high on a lavish green mountaintop, looking out across the valley, the farms and cities down below.  He's perfectly content with his life until one day off in the distance he spots another mountain.  This distant mountain appears to be more majestic and beautiful then his current home.  He wants nothing more to go "There" and yearns to experience what life could be like on the other side.

So, in the middle of the night he packs up his bags and heads off without saying goodbye.  After a long journey that takes the better part of his life he arrives at his destination.  Once there he discovers complications and flaws that he didn't see before.  He kicks off his fur lined shoes and looks out into the clear blue sky. 

Across the way he sees a beautiful mountain, one more beautiful then the one he's on.  After awhile he realizes it's the very mountain he left years before. He had just never seen it from this perspective before.  Unfortunately, he was just too old to attempt to make the journey back home.

So pay attention to who's watching you, who depends on you, who is around you.  Who is watching for your shadow.  You can change your perspective without even getting up from your chair. Try to embrace the "HERE" before you venture off over "THERE".  Being satisfied with what you have and the knowledge that there are multiple sides, may in itself be the answer that just might help you spring into action.

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I'll be honest, the guy that usually has it pretty well held together is struggling a bit as of late. I'm in evaluation mode right now as some friends are sick or dying around me.  There's other stuff to, but I'm still sorting that out.

I'm questioning, have I done everything I wanted to accomplish in this life?  Am I living everyday like it could be my last?  Am I taking the risks I might later regret not taking?  Have I found my way to true happiness?  Why is it the moment that you become consciously aware of a blissful moment, it ceases to exists.  Yes, I'm a little frustrated right now. 

I've realized many of accomplishments and choices that I've made in life, where meant to fulfill a need to feel valued, a need to feel loved.  Something I didn't exactly experience growing up. I suppose that's alright to the extent that the results were positive. 

Although, by most accounts I've  done good for myself, much of my motivation early on in life was out of spite.  I set out to prove my father wrong, to not be like dear old dad who said I'd end up just like him, an alcoholic loser, a deadbeat father. Obviously, that never happened.

Sometimes you just have to let life run it's course, relinquish thoughts of control, toss out expectations and outcomes.  Often my own thinking is my downfall, my barrier to a peaceful existence.  It took me a long time to realize that when you stop looking at thought for your true identity confusion dissipates. It's no longer important to answer the question "Who Am I really?"  We are not our thoughts, we are not our thinking. Our true identities are much deeper than that. 

I share this with you all knowing that there are others struggling with something even bigger.  And out there in the world there are people that you don't even know that have deep compassion and love for you. In that respect life is good.  

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What is progress?  To say I've made progress spiritually is to say that I've made no progress at all.  Progress for me is never considering the progress you've made, just plugging forward each day and staying fully present.  This requires complete trust and faith in all things unknown.  That's a lot to ask don't you think?

If "A" is for effort, what does one get for being effortless?  We make everything so complicated.  Convince ourselves there are problems to solve.  We explain away our dreams with logic and file them away in neat little compartments of reality.

It's so hard to say, "today I think I'll wake up and do absolutely nothing."  God, what I wouldn't give to be back in college again. 

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How do you recapture the spirit of Adventure, like when you were a kid?  Back then anything was possible and anything could happen.  Your Dad could bring home a circus pony from work, your mom could serve waffles and ice cream for dinner, everyone in your neighborhood might sit out side on a summers evening unexpectedly while you run off and catch lightening bugs with the other kids. 

And you didn't need to worry about all those choices as someone would make the hard ones for you. You had the easy ones like what stuffed animal to sleep with.  Sounds easy but it's really not.  As an adult it's easy to forget and fall into the trap of playing out what's expected of you and having expectations of others.  Fuck expectations, just trust that something will happen next.  You have permission to call in sick tomorrow and treat the day like it never existed.  Oh, what would you do then?

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My daughter Bailey is so upset because she can't find the ladybug that she found after school and placed in a dish alongside some grass clippings and a can of Mountain Dew.

When I arrived late home from work Mom made it my job to find the bug that got  away.  I'm told in private that he has long escaped and that I might need to resuscitate. 

All is calm at dinner until the conversation shifts to the ladybug killer.  Bailey cries out that the black spots smothered the red and that in all likelihood the ladybug is dead.

To be so emotional over an insignificant little bug.  By comparison I feel quite callous, cold and smug.  I'm so out of touch, I'm so not with it, I've got absolutely no ladybug sensitivity.

The days grew sadder, the bedtime stories longer, a slow recovery to be sure, but don't be alarmed. 

A few days later while taking a bath the ladybug touched down on Bailey's arm. 

The bug is back but no longer relevant, Bailey's upset because she learned in school that in Africa they're poaching the elephants.

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